


A Difference of Opinion; A Satire

by LaDemonessa



Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-16
Updated: 2014-07-16
Packaged: 2018-02-09 03:32:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,436
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1967385
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LaDemonessa/pseuds/LaDemonessa
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Written as a satirical response many years ago to a certain segment of fandom who wanted to control who could and couldn't write fanfiction.</p><p>This is dedicated to any and all Fanfiction writers who have ever felt frustrated by having people tell you how your story should end and what you can or can't write.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Difference of Opinion; A Satire

A Difference of Opinion: a satire

By JA Ingram

email: cjjingram@wildblue.net or cjjingram@yahoo.com

 

 

Jen walked into the room and sat at her computer with a sigh. Arranging herself  
for comfort, she took note of the time and put a CD on. Soon, after a pause that  
made her think expensive DVD thoughts, the soulful sounds of Bach reached her  
ears. She considered getting her headphones out but decided against it. No, Bach  
would play unfettered.

"What shall we write tonight?" she mused aloud. There were several unfinished  
stories on her desktop. She had a K/S that needed to be completed and a J/T/7  
that was getting bulky. There were always her G/B's that occupied their own  
special folder...but tonight she wanted to write something fun. Something  
utterly fresh.

She began to tap along with the assertive keystrokes of the pianist, poetry  
filling her mind as music coddled her soul. "Keats..." she whispered and began  
to type:

WHEN I have fears that I may cease to be  
Before my pen has glean'd my teeming brain,  
Before high piled books, in charact'ry,  
Hold like rich garners the full-ripen'd grain;  
When I behold, upon the night's starr'd face,  
Huge cloudy symbols of a high romance,  
And think that I may never live to trace  
Their shadows, with the magic hand of chance;

"What do you think you are writing?!?"

Jen jumped and nearly fell back in her chair, "Who the HELL?!?"

Jen turned to see a large black woman with strong features dressed in a pair of  
jeans, flannel shirt, and work boots, her nose ring glinting in the low light.  
Given the unexpected visit of a total stranger, it took Jen a moment to realise  
that her intruder had...wings.

"Fuck, it has to be the water around here or something," Jen's head banged on  
the keyboard in defeat, "I give up, just send me to the nut house and get it  
over with."

The woman pursed her lips, unamused, and began to snake her neck about in  
agitation. "Look sistah, I ain't here to play games with you. "

"Oh, what a relief. I suck at monopoly." Jen replied weakly.

"You were about to write something with men hunchin' on one another, weren't  
you?" Her neck did the most amazing sideways motion as she pronounced each and  
every syllable with sharp emphasis.

Jen rubbed her own neck in sympathy. That had to hurt. "Uh...I was planning on  
it, why?"

"Because, I'm here to tell you that is no longer acceptable," the odd winged  
woman shook her finger. "No more!"

"What, did God send you?" Jen asked, her mind now resembling something in the  
cream of wheat breakfast food family.

"God-DESS!" She rolled her eyes, "See? They've got to you sistah! "GOD" is a  
male invention thought up by cavemen to keep womyn barefoot, pregnant, and  
submissive."

"Okay."

"I don't think you're taking this at all seriously." The woman-er-person sucked  
at her teeth, "Do you think I go around wasting my time on," Jen cringed as the  
creature examined her critically from head to foot, "sorry sistahs who don't  
even know when they are being used to spread propaganda and lies against her  
people?"

"I what?" Jen shook her head, "I was-was just about to write a G/B!"

"About men!" she growled.

"Well, yeah...they are men." Jen shrugged, "Although, truth be told some writers  
seem to give Julian a vagina, but..."

"VAGINA?" The creature shrieked, "How dare you demean the flower of womynhood in  
such a manner!"

"Okay, that's it lady, I don't know who the hell you are but you're getting on  
my nerves," Jen said, finally exchanging fear for anger, "Kill me, set me on  
fire, hell--make me write J/J for eternity but spare me the 'flower of  
womynhood' spiel. Who the hell are you anyway?"

"The Cunt Fairy." The creature snapped her fingers in disdain, "I'm here to see  
to it that you never write m/m again!"

"Why?"

"Because it is damaging to womyn!" she spat, "It demeans womyn as it is the  
absence of cunt and therefore it is another tool used by the man to keep my  
sistahs down!"

"But...but there aren't any women in m/m," Jen frowned.

"Exactly!" She grinned, "Now you are starting to see the light. The brainwashing  
the dominant male oppressors have subjected you to is wearing off!"

Jen blinked. Twice. "Dominant who? I generally don't write bdsm."

The Cunt Fairy sighed, "Grrl! Grow up and smell the FDS! Men with men is men  
without womyn."

"You can't argue with that ," Jen agreed.

"It is the sun without the moon!" She cried, fists in the air, "It is men saying  
that the vagina is insignificant!"

"First off, they're gay. The vagina is insignificant because they aren't fucking  
it. Secondly, there are plenty of moons in this one as they were lubing it up  
just when you barged in!"

"Hopeless!" the fairy cried, "If you write that story, thousands of womyn will  
suffer for it."

Jen looked sceptical, "How's that?"

"Because, if you write m/m you will be oppressing their desire to write m/f or  
f/f because your writing is so well known." The Cunt Fairy looked at her coldly,  
"They'll assume that you disapprove of their pairing and they'll be too afraid  
to write because of YOU! YOU are the instrument of destruction and oppression by  
the male conspiracy."

"Oh-kay...fine." Jen turned and began to type, "This one is a m/m/f! I'll write  
a Kira/Garak/Bashir or something."

"YOU CAN'T DO THAT!!!"

"What now?" Jen asked scowling.

"If you write that then Kira will in the submissive role of the seduced 'girl'  
by the stronger, more dominant male authority figures!" She sneered, "The man  
wants you to write that because it gives him a sense of power and control.  
Resist sistah! Fight the man! FIGHT THE MAN!!!"

Jen paused and looked downward, counting slowly to ten. "Fine," she said looking  
up, "Kira can be the dom. She'll have a whip and everything."

"More traps!" The Cunt Fairy leaned in so close that Jen could count the hairs  
on her upper lip and silently she wished for a can of Binaca. "The whip is yet  
another male symbol of oppression! It is a phallic symbol of his penis  
overpowering her femininity. She needs the penis to succeed. She must give up  
her womynhood and collaborate with her oppressors in the Dominant Male  
Conspiracy! She also represents the white male slaver who used the whip to beat  
the people of colour into submission."

"If I promise to not use dildos or call one of the guys Toby, would you leave me  
alone then?" Jen asked hopefully.

"You are an enemy of the CUNT!" The fairy declared, "Release the status quo,  
accept your feminine dominance!"

"I take that as a 'no'," Jen said. "Fine, I'll write something else. What about  
a nice satire?"

Jen cracked her knuckles loudly and began to type:

TSU: Attack Of The Mary Sues

"YOU CAN'T WRITE THAT!!!"

"What now?" Jen asked looking behind her.

Standing next to the Cunt Fairy was a fine boned, porcelain-skinned angel who  
looked like a fairy princess brought to life.

"You're a Mary Sue Fairy, right?" Jen asked.

"I certainly am!" The fairy gave her a definite nod, her golden curls shining  
under the monitor's glare,

"And you decided to visit me because.?"

"You can't make fun of Mary Sues!" she said, "If you make fun of Mary Sues then  
you'll offend all those people out there who write Mary Sues every day!"

"And this is bad why?" Jen asked.

"Think of all those people out there who are just starting to write! They are  
scared and shy and Mary Sues are their gateway into another form of expression."

"Like pot?" Jen said wryly.

"Pot?" the Mary Sue Fairy frowned.

"A gateway drug; you use it for a while and eventually you go on to something  
even more destructive," Jen drawled.

"TSK! Shame!" The Mary Sue fairy waggled her finger with a petulant frown,  
"That's just you making fun! No, if you criticise Mary Sue's then those writers  
won't ever get the chance to write better Mary Sue's!"

"Now that's a contradiction in terms.a 'better' Mary Sue?" Jen shuddered  
delicately, "Stop! I have to go to bed soon and you'll give me nightmares."

"You can't post that!" She stomped her slippered foot angrily, "If you write  
that then you'll be guilty of censorship because you intimidated all those  
people into silence!"

"Again, what's the downside?" Jen asked, "I'm not seeing it.?"

"It's wrong! Your work is too well known and you're too respected a writer! If  
you write that then everyone will start censoring their work out of fear."

"Please, someone blew smoke up my ass yesterday--I'm full! *sigh* Neither of you  
are going to leave, am I correct?" Jen asked looking at the two beings with a  
bleary eye.

"NO!"

"Fine!" DELETE- DELETE- DELETE- DELETE- DELETE, "I'll write something else just  
to shut you people up!"

Jen sat in silence for a moment. "Now what?"

The Cunt Fairy grinned toothily at the lovely Mary Sue Fairy, "So honey, new in  
town.?"

"AH HAH!" Jen said triumphantly, "I'll write an male pregnancy satire just to  
shut the two of you up! You can't say it's against women because it makes fun of  
those male dominant whatevers and there aren't any Mary Sues in it so I want the  
two of you to just shut up and let me write in peace!"

The two fairies glared in silence as Jen again began to type.

He's having My BABY!!!  
By JA Ingram

"YOU CAN'T---"

"WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT NOW?!?" Jen yelled in frustration.

A big hairy guy with wings backed up a few steps and nearly bumped into the two  
fairies behind him. "I'm just saying that you can't write that. It violates  
men."

"WHAT?!?" Jen banged her fist on the desk, "What did I do to deserve this? Am I  
on some sort of cosmic mailing list for this shit?!?"

"Women are always saying that men are afraid of exposing their feminine sides  
yet when you attempt to malign the work of male pregnancy enthusiasts, you are  
also suppressing the deep desires of men to carry life within their bodies." He  
took a deep breath, "That censors men."

"Wait a minute--do you want to be pregnant?" Jen asked.

"Well, no." he said.

"Then what is the problem?" Jen asked throwing her hands up in frustration.

He scratched his nose and shuffled his feet, "Well, what if there is some man  
out there who does want to get pregnant? You'd be crushing his hopes and dreams.  
Men have feminine issues too, ya know!"

"Who are you? PHIL DONAHUE???" Jen screeched, "What the hell is this?"

"I'm the Man Fairy!" he puffed out his hairy chest and the Cunt Fairy and Mary  
Sue Fairy wrinkled their noses in distaste as his fear filled the room with the  
scent of Old Spice.

"FINE! FUCK IT! I'll write a--a--shit!" Jen thought about it a moment then  
started to type, "Okay, how about a simple little children's story. It'll have  
cows and--"

"YOU CAN'T WRITE THAT!!!"

SOME HOURS LATER.

Jen elbowed the fairy next to her, "Give-me-ROOM!" she gasped as she was jostled  
from both sides, "I can't breathe much less type!"

Every square inch of floor space was occupied by different fairies all  
complaining about something Jen was going to write. In five hours of brain  
numbing computer time, she hadn't so much as written a single paragraph.

Jen accidentally hit a few keys with her elbow.

"YOU CAN'T WRITE THAT!!!" came a yell from the back of the room and they were  
all smooshed together as room had to be made for their newest arrival, "It  
violates the rights of the alphabet and qwerty keyboards!"

Jen struggled and climbed up the desk so she was at last standing in her chair  
and glaring at the large winged crowd of politically correct civil rights  
fairies, " OKAY! LISTEN UP!!! I want all of you out of here! I think this has  
gone far enough and."

"YOU CAN'T WRITE THAT!" a little fairy with glasses jumped up and  
down in frustration, "If you express an opinion then someone else might think  
your opinion is better so they'll wind up not saying anything because you  
intimidated them!"

"Look, all you fairies think I'm intimidating, right?" Jen asked through  
clenched teeth.

"YEAH!" they shouted en masse.

"And all of you are here to represent the rights of everyone? You all want to  
make sure no one is intimidated and that everyone has a chance to say whatever  
they want to, right?"

"YEAH!" came the deafening roar of the winged crowd.

"Then I also have a right to express any opinion I have in any way I choose,  
right?" Jen shouted.

Silence.

"Uh, well, we sort of meant that everyone EXCEPT you had a right to express  
themselves," the Mary Sue Fairy said and a murmur of agreement swept through the  
crowd.

At that moment, a terrible boom rocked the fabric of the world.

"YOU CAN'T SAY THAT!!!"

A large, scaly fleshed gargoyle appeared, it's maw open in a parody of a smile  
as it pointed a clawed finger at all the fairies. "That's a violation of HER  
right to free speech. EVERYONE OUT!!!" He roared and flames shot out of his  
mouth singing the wings of several frightened fairies.

"Who are you?" the Alphabet Fairy asked as he shook with terror.

The gargoyle gave him a blood chilling grin, "I'm the demon of let's kick ass  
and take names so move it or I'll tear your wings off and make you ride the bus  
home, pussyboy."

The crowd of fairies disappeared in a flash of light and the gargoyle turned to  
Jen.

"You write whatever you want to kid," it said, fading into nothingness, "It's  
important to have a critic around. It helps keep balance in the universe. Keep  
it upppppp.." And he was gone.

Jen sighed and looked at the empty room for a moment. It was quiet again, and  
she was finally alone. Slowly sat back down in the chair and stared at the  
screen, "Where was I? Oh yeah." Jen grinned and began to---"SHIT!"

She looked at the clock. It was exactly 5:43 am.

Jen turned off the computer, "Fuck it. I'll write tomorrow."

The End!


End file.
